Jeff Buckley
Guys who fancy themselves as romantics and would be happy to invite you in for coffee. If you want. Of course. It’s up to you. Just saying.

The Dave Matthews Band
Next-door neighbors who brew their own beer and reminisce an awful lot about how great their college years were.

Portishead
Well-off couples who enjoy hosting dinner parties.

Garbage
Girls who are generally awesome but still somehow seem to have really terrible relationships.

Pearl Jam
People who consider “alternative” to be a viable genre.

Matchbox Twenty
People who consider “alternative” to be a viable genre, but secretly never actually liked it that much.

Rage Against the Machine
Conspiracy theorists who think Republicans are out to get them, and may be correct.

Ben Folds Five
Conspiracy theorists who think women are out to get them, and may be correct.

Oasis
Aging Anglophiles who still read the NME religiously.

If Ayn Rand had an advice column, as envisioned by Megan Amram:

Dear Ayn,

I’m dating a man who I think I love, but I’m afraid he’s having an affair. He comes home late, he acts suspiciously, and he even has red lipstick on his collar. Should I confront him or just hope for the best?

— County Affair
 
Dear County,

Red lipstick? Your husband is a communist. Divorce him and sell his clothes, children, and pens to make money to spend on cars, human slaves, and bigger pens. This will simultaneously stimulate the economy and punish the slaves for not having jobs. Slaves: what lazybones!

Hope this helps,
Ayn,