Favorite Things

Scoutmob’s giving away 4 bikes!

Hilarious!

World’s Funniest Analogies.

I practically cried laughing so hard reading some of these.

Annual English Teachers’ awards for best student metaphors/analogies
found in actual student papers:


His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn’t.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East
River.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law George. But unlike George,
this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up

• Don’t say you’re “from New York” when you’re from New Jersey or Long Island. There are very nice parts of New Jersey and Long Island; some very nice people live there. But this is not Boston - you don’t get to say you’re “from New York City” if you’re from slightly outside it. If your prevarication is discovered, this is a quick route to contempt.
• Never ever ever EVER refer to the city as “the Big Apple.” If you say this, you are a tourist, and a clueless one at that. Using the phrases “only in New York!” and “a New York minute” falls in the same category, but they may be used, sparingly, by long-time residents, with a heavy dose of irony.
• Don’t refer to the subway lines by their color. Instead, refer to them by their numbers and letters - e.g. it’s not the “Green Line,” it’s the “4, 5, 6.” When referring to a specific service along that line, each is called a “train,” rather than a “subway” - e.g. the “6 train,” not the “6 subway.” When referring to the entire system, it’s the “subway” - not the “Metro,” the “Underground,” etc.
• Don’t wear “I Heart NY” t-shirts, or indeed any article of clothing that mentions New York in any capacity, with the exception of gear supporting a sports team.
• If there is a wait for something or a bottleneck, don’t mob it - form a line. And when a line has been formed do NOT try to cut it. Seriously. This is for your own health.
• When you get on a bus or step up to a subway turnstile, have your change or MetroCard ready. There’s a special circle of hell devoted to people who waste 20 seconds of everyone else’s time with their fumbling.

• Don’t ask people where you can find good “New York Pizza.” In New York, it’s just called pizza - most New Yorkers don’t even know “New York Pizza” is a thing outside New York, or that there is a “New York-style” (see Where can you get New York-style Pizza in London? and its ilk). Just go to the local corner pizza shop and help yourself; I promise it’ll have “New York-style pizza” unless it says very explicitly otherwise.
• Corollary to the above - do not say you prefer Chicago, New Haven or (God help you) California pizza. This is a direct route to a heated argument.
• I’ve seen more petty spats over this than over just about anything else in New York; don’t steal another’s cab. But how, you might ask, should one know a cab’s rightful owner? It’s simple. Taxi possession works on a territorial, first-come-first-serve system. If someone is trying to hail a cab on the street, he has established his territory there, so don’t infringe by trying to hail one there too. Going farther up the stream of traffic to cut him off is also taboo. The polite distance varies by location and time. In Midtown at rush hour and the Lower East at 2am, a block is standard; early mornings in residential neighborhoods can require two full blocks or more.
• When you refer to locations in Manhattan, don’t give the Avenue first - always start with the Street. If you’re going to 9th Street and 3rd Avenue, say “Ninth and Third,” never “Third and Ninth.”
• Perhaps less of a faux pas, but a sure tipoff that you’re a tourist; if you’re in Manhattan, don’t refer to “North” and “South;” it’s “Uptown” and “Downtown,” respectively.
• If you are not front-office at a financial institution, don’t call yourself a “banker.” There’s absolutely nothing wrong with managing a Wells Fargo branch; there’s nothing wrong with working on the tech side at a financial institution. In New York, however, “banker” indicates that you’re a front-office type. If you’re caught cheating here, you’ll totally blow your credibility and possibly take some ridicule.
• New York is a walking city. Very few places are located directly on public transit and most journeys require at least some walking. It’s often the fastest way around, and it’s definitely the healthiest, cheapest, and best for the environment. If you’re in New York, don’t complain about having to walk.
• New York eats late - don’t propose dinner earlier than 7pm unless the other party has kids. People won’t hate you for violating this, but they may give you a strange look.
• This may seem like a no-brainer, but I’ve encountered it way too often: if you are a tourist, don’t bring up 9/11. Out-of-towners are frequently more open and talkier than New Yorkers, and we appreciate that the rest of the country felt a kinship with us. Admittedly, sometimes, we do feel like talking about it. But bringing it up first, or in casual conversation, is just poor taste.
• Perhaps less of a faux pas and more of a pet peeve; don’t ask “What’s a good restaurant?” or “What’s a good hotel?” There are literally thousands of restaurants and hotels in New York, many of them good. Specify what you’re looking for (price point, atmosphere, neighborhood or access to neighborhoods, type of cuisine, etc.) and you’ll get a much more positive response.
• This one is absolutely vital - don’t interfere with others’ privacy. New York is a very crowded place. The way people deal with it is to create their own space. Thus, what outsiders often see as aloofness and isolation is, in fact, a sign of community; there is a shared ethos that everyone respects others’ privacy and expects others to respect his own. This is chiefly communicated through eye contact. If you stare at someone on the subway: if you linger in looking out your window into someone else’s bedroom; if you react to or interrupt a celebrity; or if you seem to be intentionally listening in to another’s conversation, you are violating one of New York’s most sacred unwritten rules. Keep yourself to yourself, buddy, and let others do the same.
• Don’t tip like you do at home; tip at New York rates. This has already been touched on by a few other answers, but it needs some explanation. The people who make life easier for you in New York —taxi drivers, servers, etc.— are paid scant wages and depend on tips for a large part of their income. Yet they still have to survive in one of the most expensive cities in the world. If you fail to tip at New York rates for decent service, you are not paying for that service. Tipping 15% is an insult and 16-18% is parsimonious. While I hate to point fingers, I’m looking particularly at our friends from Europe here. If you think Americans’ being loud, fat, monolingual, and ignorant in your beloved cities is obnoxious, your failure to pay for service rendered is downright criminal. It’s an expensive city; pull the Gauloise from your lips, reach into the pocket of your lederhosen, pull out an extra quid or two and pony up!
• Do not touch a stranger’s kid. This is a sad rule, because nearly all the people who break it are extraordinarily warm and sweet and have nothing but the best intentions. In a lot of places, children are raised communally; it may be normal to high five or pick up a stranger’s kid who walks up, to lift her onto an empty seat on the subway, to play patty-cakes with her, or to chastise her if she misbehaves. But do NOT try this in New York. While New York is one of the safest cities in America, parents of city kids are protective and will not be happy.
• Don’t fake a New York accent. You’ll sound like an idiot, and most people here speak either with a foreign accent (if they speak English), or with a nondescript accent anyway.

• Feel free to talk about where you live and how much you pay for it. All true New Yorkers are obsessed with real estate and will likely not think it rude if you ask quite personal questions about how much they pay, their building, their neighbors, etc. (see Real Estate in New York City) On the flip side of this, most New Yorkers wouldn’t find it gauche at all for another to talk about these matters.
• Feel free to interrupt someone who is speaking to agree with them. This is considered polite, if occasionally annoying. Don’t be frightened.
• Feel free to call yourself a New Yorker only a few years after moving here.One of my college roommates was from Maine. He used to scoff at 2nd generation Mainers - people who had been born in Maine and who described themselves as being “from Maine,” yet whose parents had moved there from elsewhere. The exact phrase he used was, “if the cat has kittens in the oven, they’re not muffins!” So expressive, the Mainers. Anyway, that expression does not apply at all to New York. Sometimes it seems like everyone here is from somewhere else. But the only thing you need to become as true a New Yorker as someone whose family has been here for centuries is a few years residence and a genuine love for the city. It’s a fiercely exclusive club that’s open to all.
• Feel free to tell your taxi exactly the route you want to take. After a few years, everyone figures out their own tricks for getting around and gets to know certain areas and traffic patterns very well. While most taxi drivers are very good at their jobs, they have a huge area to cover and may not know all the subtleties for your particular spot. Don’t be rude; don’t be pushy, but do feel free to ask for a specific route.

A collective of all the things that are smaller than Apple’s market cap of $380 billion.